Homesick. For...

Apparently I crack at day 10. All the feels… I am sad, disappointed, scared, exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious and annoyed all at once. I feel like someone picked me up out of my life in Nashville and dropped me into a new reality here in Vancouver, like when you relocate people in that computer game the SIMS… or the one where you build theme parks... I realize many people are feeling this way; they are lost and suffering. I know I am very lucky to be in Canada, with healthcare, alongside my family who I actually like to be around. But in understanding all of this, I also accept that it is OK for me to be upset. Discounting my own emotions by comparing them to someone else’s does not make them go away. That doesn’t make me healthier or more equipped to deal with these circumstances. It actually makes me suffer more. It creates a barrier within me. My head telling my heart that what it feels is unimportant causes a rift, and in turn makes me less empathetic towards others. How can I relate to your feelings when I ignore my own?

So, I had a little breakdown in my sisters car (AKA my office) alone outside the house. I felt the tears flooding forward and before my pragmatic mind could shut off the tap and stop the overflow, I took a deep breath and just let it happen. I must’ve cried for about half an hour. I am feeling totally displaced here. Even though I am extremely welcome and comfortable at my sisters, this is not my life. This is not my family unit. I am a guest. I am currently meditating every morning on the question “how can I be of service?”. I know that being here, helping with my niece Hazel and being close to my parents, is fulfilling that in many ways, yet I can’t help feeling like I am on the outside. Change is fucking hard - and rapid change can be traumatic.

I have never longed for a home more. A space to call my own, decorated in my own designs, smelling and feeling like mine. Where I can be as loud or as quiet as I like. Where I can open the windows or crank up the heat, play dress up or be naked all day. I have also never longed for my own unit more. My person. My partner. Someone to hold me when I am feeling unsure and vulnerable. Someone to share my entire self with. Someone who feels like home no matter what country we are in. I miss my friends. I am disappointed my co-writes, gigs and plans are cancelled momentarily. I am scared to be out of work. I am exhausted from trying to find balance in a new space (and looking after a two year old). I am overwhelmed and anxious with the state of our world and I am annoyed that no body can tell me what comes next. And I am allowed to vent about it, momentarily.

I am also grateful - for this time to recalculate what is important. To slow down, surrounded by people I love. This is a once in a lifetime (hopefully) opportunity for the entire world to shift its paradigm; for us to stop and realize the current way we are living is not working in alignment with our planet. We were talking to Alex’s brother Seb in Hossegor, France yesterday and they are in complete lock down - mandated to stay on their property or they will be fined. I believe this is inevitable for all major cities in North America, but time will tell. We also talked to Alex’s parents in Bonny Hills, Australia who are self quarantined. It was crazy to take a moment and realize that all over the world, we are dealing with the same thing. We all have no idea what we are doing or what is going to happen, and there is a beauty in that. We are extremely united, though forced to keep apart. I try to think about this in the dark moments, while still allowing the hurt to be felt.

I encourage you to give yourself permission to do the same. To be scared and confused while understanding you have to be strong for your partner/kids/staff/community. They are feeling it too. It is human and this is what connects us. Emotions pushed down do not go away - this is something I have realized and really worked on over the past 5 months: feeling the feelings. We are allowed. In fact, I encourage it.

Sending you all love and light (while preserving a good amount for myself). Take care of you, so you can better take care of those around you. You are loved!